Money Love

I wrote this last year as an alternative-voice narrative. It's written in the voice of an almost-thirty-year-old guy with some serious issues.

Penny and I weren’t working out anymore. So I moved out. I wouldn’t say I “dumped” her. Sounds too abrupt. It was more like a gradual decaying and then a “maybe we’re not meant for each other.” Yeah, she cried. Who wouldn’t? No girl wants to be single again at 29. Starting over sucks. But shit, I wasn’t gonna spend my life with a girl I didn’t love.
Yeah, well, after a week of celebrating my freedom with the guys- this is yesterday- I turn on the TV. It was maybe 8 in the morning. I didn’t even plan on watching the TV. Good background noise, you know? But then I saw Penny on TV. Yeah, my Penny. I sat down to watch.
“So Penny, here it comes…The million-dollar question!” Regis was saying. Penny was all smiley and shit. Shouldn’t she still be crying somewhere? I thought. Regis asked, “How has the money changed your life?”
Ugh, that guy was annoying. The question he asked didn’t even register on my groggy mind. I was staring at Penny. I bought her that shirt.
“Well, Regis…it’s only been a couple days,” Penny said. “I haven’t been able to do much with the money yet. I do have plans for it, however.” What was this money they were talking about?
“Plans, huh? Gonna buy a yacht? A jet?”
“Actually, I’ve been debating charities.”
“Well! A philanthropist lottery winner,” Regis said. Lottery. Whoa…
“Well, I mean, obviously I won’t give it all away,” Penny smiled. My mind was racing. “I’d love a cute little sports car. And a…” I couldn’t listen anymore. This was too much for me to handle.
Just then, A.J. walked in with a “Mornin’.” I was crashing at my kid brother’s place until I found a new apartment. I pointed at the TV. A.J. peered at it through his hangover.
“’S that Penny?” he asked.
I nodded. “She won the fuckin’ lottery.”
“Jackpot?”
“Probly. She’s on Regis.”
“God. That was a big jackpot. Like…200 million,” A.J. said. “Sucks for you.”
“For real. One week.” Took me a while to get to work. I couldn’t stop thinking about my ex and her money and how much I missed her face. You know how they say you don’t know what you got till it’s gone? Story of my life at that moment.
Selling insurance all day isn’t the most stimulating thing you can do. Especially when you’re daydreaming about tossing piles and piles of hundreds up in the air and feeling them fall slowly around you and your gorgeous girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend.
At 5 o’clock, my last client left my office, and my ass was out that door. I hated to think that if I had just lasted another week with Penny, I probably wouldn’t have had to ever go back to work there. I had to get her back.
An hour later at the local bar and at the bottom of my third Heinekin, I finally
wasn’t thinking about Penny. Then Roger started flipping channels on the TV. Of course he ran across a segment on the news about how local girl Penny Pumble won a $216 million jackpot. The rest of the four guys in the bar were all like, “Holy shit!” and “Is this for real?” I waited for it.
The guys looked down the bar towards me. “Your girlfriend won the lottery, Mitch, you lucky man.”
“Not my girlfriend anymore,” I said. I didn’t explain. They didn’t ask.
But they did continue to talk about Penny. Joe said, “Did you know that if you were to lay down quarters side-by-side from Minnesota to Florida and mark one of them with a permanent marker, the odds of you picking a random quarter and it being the marked one are better than your odds of winning the lottery?”
“I believe it,” Roger the bartender replied.
So it was during my fourth beer that I started to realize shit. Seeing Penny’s face had reminded me of how I’d never find another girl like her. Remind me again why we broke up? Did I really think that cute receptionist at the office was gonna make my life complete? Suddenly thirty was looking like a good age to start being a grown-up. I needed my girlfriend back.
I also needed to not sell insurance anymore.
“’Nuther beer over here, Roger,” I said. You know, just to help me come up with a plan to win her back. I was seeing visions of me and Penny living on a yacht and traveling the world and drinking Cristal and being the ones buying the insurance for once.
But the next thought I had was Yeah right she’s gonna want me back. It was a terrible moment when I realized I didn’t have a shot in hell. Would have been enough that I’d dumped her. Now, on top of that, she’d think I was after her money. Which I wasn’t. I mean, sure it’d be cool having more money than you could ever spend. But what I really wanted was…Penny. And her money.
Dang, I was screwed, man. This was real life. But there was only one thing to do. I had to talk to Penny. It took me an hour to get a cab and get to the apartment I used to share with Penny. I pressed the buzzer.
“Yeah?” I heard her voice on the intercom.
“Penny! It’s me. Mitch.”
“What do you want?” she answered coldy.
“Umm…” I thought of what to say, then kept it simple. “I miss you.”
“Yeah I’ll bet you do. I knew you’d come back for me when you found out about the money,” Penny said.
I decided to try this: “What money?”
“Oh, funny, Mitch.”
“No seriously.” It was annoying arguing over the intercom. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Go away.”
“I love you.” Girls like to hear that. Doesn’t matter what they say.
“How’s that receptionist?” she asked meanly.
“Just let me in.” The door clicked open. When I got to her apartment, she made me stay in the hallway.
“Looks empty without my shit,” I said casually, peeking into her place.
“Yeah, well, 216 million dollars should fill it up with new stuff.”
“Hey, Harriet! I’ve missed you so much!” I said as our Australian sheep dog came to the door, wagging her tail at the sight of me. I looked at Penny with a puppy-dog face. “Take me back.”
“No. You dumped me. For a receptionist.”
“Penny, you know how scared I’ve been to turn thirty. I was dumb. I just wanted to find out if there was more life for me to live out there. But you’re it for me.”
“I’ve got a new start, Mitch. You’re not part of it.”
“Penny, you know you loved me!” I said as I got desperate. “You cried when I moved out!” There was a pause.
“What if…” Penny proposed, “I offered you a million dollars never to see me again. Freedom and money. Exactly what you want.”
I thought about it. But I quickly realized that just by thinking about it I had made my choice. “Asshole,” Penny said as she slammed the door in my face. More like dumb asshole, I thought, as I walked away girlfriend-less and million-dollar-less.